Shalom Chai: August 2008

Dearest Shalom baby,

Yesterday was a very heartbreaking day for Mummy when Mummy told you that I do not want you anymore. Mummy even told you that I will have a younger brother and do not want to bring you home. You can stay with Grandma for the rest of your life and Mummy will not bring you home anymore. It really broke my heart to say that to you and as I am typing this letter to you, I am shedding tears of pain and regret. If you know what Mummy meant then, it would really broke your little heart. At that point in time when Mummy said that to you, I was almost on the verge of emotional breakdown when your grandma (Daddy’s mummy) kept snatching you away from me. Whenever Mummy carries you, grandma would always wants to snatch you away from me and does not let me carry you. Yesterday evening, when you were about to go to sleep and Mummy was patting you, granddad came over and snatched you away from Mummy as well. Mummy loves you and wants to spend every moment with you, considering the fact that Mummy travels all the way down from Bishan to Sembawang to see you. Mummy could not take it anymore, so I said those words to spite your grandparents and to let them know that I could not take it anymore.

You may wonder why Mummy and Daddy only bring you home on certain days of the week. Mummy shall explain to you here right now. It has taken Mummy great courage to pen this down as Mummy would cry whenever I thought of the suffering you went through when you were 2 weeks old.

When you were 2 weeks old, you came down with a high fever as granddad (Mummy’s daddy) has passed it to you. You were hospitalized in KK and were given 20 – 30 injections as the doctors could not find your veins to administer the antibodies to bring your fever down. At that point in time, you were very young and could not take medicine as your liver was not developed yet. Mummy and Daddy broke down in tears and we were at a loss of what to do. Finally, the docs adminstered antibodies through your skull when the medical team could not locate your veins. You also had liquid drawn from your spine and bladder through a needle and that really pained Daddy and Mummy. If I could, I wish to take your place. After which, you never returned to granny’s place anymore as granddad was sick, thus you have to put up at grandma’s (Daddy’s mummy) place as Mummy just had a C section and was not able to take care of you i.e. bath you. Subsequently, when you were about 4 – 5 weeks old, Mummy had a C section wound infection and was not able to bath you and that is why we asked grandma to help. Grandma willingly helped to take care of you and even quitted her job to take care of you. Daddy told grandma that when Mummy recovered, Mummy will take care of you myself. As time go by, grandma, granddad, your aunt and uncle love you more and more and as a result, grandma kept wanting to keep you by her side and whenever you came home with Mummy over the weekends, grandma would sometimes tell Mummy that when I bring you home, other people missed u a lot and Mummy should not be so selfish. Because grandma quitted her job to take care of you, Mummy and Daddy decided to repay her, we let her take care of you till September when Adeline’s baby was born. Since mid of July 2008, Mummy has been wanting to bring you home and take care of you by myself, but because of the promise Daddy has made, we have to honour it and Mummy will travel down to meet you during the days that you were not at home. When Mummy traveled down and wanted to spend some private time with you, Grandma will not allow and kept coming into to “interrupt” our bonding session, but out of respect, Mummy did not talk back to grandma. Things started to get worse since last week. (4-10 August 2008). Whenever Adeline is at grandma’s place (Adeline is your auntie, Daddy’s elder bro’s wife), grandma would always carried you into the room with Adeline and try to separate me from you. Mummy, despite knowing all these, still went into the room to see you. Grandma would then say hurtful words to Mummy such as “Shalom loves Adeline more than Mummy because Shalom always smiles at Adeline and not Mummy!” Do you know how upset and hurted Mummy was by those remarks? You were just a little baby and everyday grandma would tell you stuff like how useless Mummy was after giving birth to you. Grandma even told Mummy to go to work, do not have to take care of you because she and Adeline would take care of you when Mummy is working. Mummy was upset and told Grandma that I will work but Granny (Mummy’s mother) will help to take care of you when Mummy was working. Also, you may wonder why Mummy did not have pictures of you cutting your hair in progress… Grandma did not inform Mummy that she was going to cut your hair and during the 2nd session when Grandma was about to cut your hair, I told grandma to change it to another day as I wanted to take some pictures for keepsake. Grandma told Mummy that I do not have to be involved and my presence is not needed. As a result, Grandma cut your hair without Mummy’s presence. When your aunt (Daddy’s sister) wanted to bring her friends to see you, she did not ask Daddy or me for permission. Grandma told me that she alone can make the decision. In the end, Mummy told Daddy to tell aunt not to bring her friends because you just had your 2nd vaccination and was down with fever for several days. Mummy does not wish that you go through another trauma. Mummy and Daddy loves you and will protect you to the best we can but the utmost protection comes from the Lord!

Shalom baby, you know that Mummy loves you deeply and I am most unwillingly to give you away. Mummy wants to say a BIG SORRY to you here and wants to assure you that you will forever be my little darling. After much thought yesterday night and today morning and afternoon, Mummy realizes that although the road may be difficult, Mummy will NEVER EVER say that I do not want you anymore. Mummy does not mean it and I take back my words! Shalom baby, Mummy loves you forever!